Loolie was awakened at 6:34AM to the noise of a dumpster being vigorously shaken then slammed to the ground. In bed beside her was a stubble faced, half bald, cigarette and beer smelling, overweight man about twice her age. The noise did not awaken him and she counted that as a blessing.

He is her fiance and her father’s fraternal twin brother. How she got into a mess like this is not a mystery, but how to get out will take a whole lot of thinking and scheming. She does not want to give birth to her own second cousins.

But, the dowry has been offered and accepted and in 6 days her father will become her brother-in-law as well.

Good Grief, a dowry! Who in this day does that? No one she ever heard of, and what a dowry it is. A total of 7 goats were given in exchange for her promise to marry, how very demeaning. She always pictured herself as worth at least a Toyota pickup or even central air for the trailer!

But, her Grannie, and soon to be mother-in-law said goats were the only thing acceptable as dowry because they are known for their sexuality and ability to eat almost anything. These were, according to Grannie, the most important ingredients in a marriage.

Loolie was shaken from her thoughts by the stirring of Luthor, her gross ‘beloved’. He rolled toward the window and let loose a big fart. Fanning the bed covers he said, "Mornin’ Sugar booger".

Loolie leapt naked from the bed and hurried down the narrow hallway of the trailer to the cramped bathroom. She turned on the shower and stepped into the stall before the water had a chance to warm up. Shivering and shocked from the cold water she thought, "God, I have to get away from that man".

When she went back to the bedroom to get her clothes Luthor was not there. She could hear him in the kitchen banging pans around and cursing. He cursed a lot. Loolie got dressed, found her Avon bag and went into the kitchen. Luthor was frying bacon and asked if she wanted 3 strips or 4 with her eggs. "I have to go to work. I don’t have time to eat and I’ll grab something later", she said.

The truth was she could not stand to be in the same room when this guy was eating. He had the very worst table manners of anyone she knew. He would chew with his mouth open and like as not would decide to speak while eating thereby spraying food from his mouth. He was a pig and she had to marry him. Married to a pig, how nice.

Loolie made her way down the row of trailers to number 23. Mrs. Livingood was always good for a sale and Loolie needs money now worse than ever. She opened the gate and started up the brick sidewalk to the trailer. Pancho, the Rotweiller, burst through the doggie door at her and made a lunge for her face. He knocked her flat on her ass and began licking her face. "Off me, you stupid mutt. I’m here for business, not pleasure!"

Appearing at the door, Mrs. Livingood shouted, "Pancho!" and the meaty, muscular, man killer backed off and headed around behind the trailer. "Sorry about him", said Mrs Livingood, "the beast ain’t got no manners".

"Loolie dear, if yer sellin’ today I got no money, but yer sure welcome to come in and have tea." Loolie thought, ‘Well I can’t waste time, I gotta get some sales today or I am sunk.’ "Thanks Miz Livingood, but I really gotta knock on some doors today. Things with me ain’t so good so I gotta get to work." Loolie was still brushing herself off as she opened the gate and started down the row of trailers again.

The next 4 trailers Loolie visited were no sales as well. She was getting desperate. She had never failed to sell at least 3 of these people, now all of a sudden she can’t give the stuff away. She heard every excuse from how their check didn’t come, to how the propane bill was twice what it was last month, to how their car was towed and now they gotta give the county $400 for a car worth $200. "Why me, Lord?" she thought. "How come the more I need it, the less likely it is to come?"

Then she remembered Mr. Johnson. She despised old man Johnson, but he had money. She remembered how they first met. He led her to believe he would buy Avon as a gift for someone, then when he got her inside his big double-wide, he tried groping her and offering money for ‘just a little feel.’ He was disgusting and she was disgusted for even considering it. She had run from his advances, but said nothing to anyone about it.

This was not the first time Loolie had been accosted so rudely. Loolie was an attractive young lady, shapely with long, dark blond hair. She kept her clothes clean and her face scrubbed. What little makeup she wore was just to highlight her beautiful eyes and lips. Men always noticed her and often made obscene offers. She was used to it. ‘Men are pigs’, she thought, ‘all of them are pigs and now I have to marry a pig’.

So, on shaky legs, she headed for old man Johnson’s trailer on the back side of the park. All the trailers back there have a view of Willis Creek and so they have to pay more for the view. It is upper middle class trailer living.

Loolie could see old man Johnson’s big trailer as she turned onto his street. It was probably the biggest, and definitely the best kept, trailer in the Breezy Pines Trailer and RV Park. It had a neat, white, picket fence with Petunias growing all along it. He had small trees in the front yard, and a bird bath. There were potted Geraniums on the front porch. The windows had those nice mini-blinds and sheer curtains. His car was not up on blocks, it wasn't even dented. She hated it.

She walked through the gate and up the side walk with a lump in her throat and dread in her heart. "Why has fate placed me here?" She thought, "I can’t do this." She was turning to walk away when old man Johnson opened the door and said, "Well, yer back. Good to see you from any angle, Darlin."

"Hi Mister Johnson", she spoke, "I am still gonna try to sell you some Avon for your gifts to friends." Johnson invited her in, and in she went just like that.

Once inside, Johnson indicated she sit on the couch. Loolie sat and placed her bag on the coffee table, which she noticed held the current month’s National Geographic. ‘This guy might be a letch, but he does have class,’ she thought. Johnson handed her a Bartle’s and James Wine Cooler, which she accepted. ‘Lots of class, indeed’, she thought.

As Loolie was draining half the wine cooler, Johnson was saying how he had sure missed her since the last visit and how he admired her work ethic and how he wished they could meet more often. She was thinking how she wished he would just drop dead. Then he spoke, "Listen Loolie, I know you don’t care for me but I surely like you and I could help out with money from time to time, just on a friendly basis."

"Listen, Johnson, I need money or I would not be here. Do you want to buy something or not? I have lipsticks, lotions, and lots of other things. Tell me what you like and I’ll show you what I have."

Johnson thought a minute and said, "Loolie, honey, I just want you to be friendly, that’s all. I want you to just give a hug or sit on my lap or whatever you are comfortable with."

"Last time you said, ‘a little feel’ would be nice. Now, how exactly do you mean that?" said Loolie.

Johnson was not bashful, he said, "I mean if I can fondle yer breasts I will pay for the privilege. Outside the clothes pays $20, and under the clothes pays $50." He went on, "More familiar acts of kindness will naturally pay much more."

"Well Mr. Johnson, I guess you know what you want and I know what I need. I will allow the $50 breast thing, but pay up first or no deal."

Johnson’s face lit up in a big smile and Loolie watched him get out his wallet and count $50 onto the top of the high boy near the door.

Johnson’s hands were not as cold as she had imagined they would be. She was not wearing a bra, so she had just lifted her sweater a little to indicate he could go ahead and do it. She could hear his little murmurs of delight and could feel him trembling. "He is not too bad at this", she thought. His breath didn’t stink, either.

Then, he stepped over the line. His left hand was moving up her leg. "No way in hell, buster!" she yelled. Loolie jumped up, grabbed her bag and headed for the door. Johnson was trying to apologize, trying to tell her it was a mistake, that he had reacted badly to his urges.

Loolie grabbed the money as she flew out the door. She could hear Johnson’s pitiful plea to come back, that he was so sorry. But Loolie just ran away, praying that no one in the park would notice what was going on.

Now, back home, Loolie was happy to see Luthor had left. He didn’t live there but you would think he did from the way he acted. He was just a big pig, all possessive about her and everything that was hers. He had left a pile of dirty dishes and pans and skillets on the table and in the sink, so she set her mind to just wash the damned dishes and forget everything else. She could smell his dirty cigarette smoke, so she opened both the windows in the kitchen. Loolie could always count on housework to take her mind off bigger problems, at least for awhile.

Once the dishes were done she sat on the couch with her daily Coke and remembered she had nothing to eat all morning. She opened a bag of chips and devoured them, washing them down with Coke. Then she reached in her pocket for the money she got from old man Johnson. She took it out, counted it, then put it in her wallet thinking that it had been easy money and not so repulsive as it might have been. She wondered what she would have to do for bus fare to Baton Rouge.

Loolie awoke to the ringing of her phone. Luthor must have paid the bill because it had been shut off 3 weeks ago for lack of payment. It was getting dark out as she made her way to the kitchen to take the phone off it’s hook.

"Hello", she said. It was her soon to be sister-in-law, Loreena, who is as weird as they come.

"Hey Loo, how’s it going? Wanna come out and play? I’ll pick you up in 20 minutes and we can go to the Stumble Inn for a couple of hours."

"Gosh Loreena, I can’t really do that because I am so damned broke, as usual."

"Come on Loo, I’m buying and you need a break from that asshole Luthor."

Although Loreena was Luthor’s step-sister, she had no love for him at all. They fought and argued constantly and Loreena had once stuck him with a Barbeque fork.

"Yeah, well, what the hell. I’ll get ready." And she hung up.

The Stumble Inn is not a dive. It has more than 15 kinds of beer and it has name bands from all over the state on weekends. The booths have padded seats and that is where Loolie and Loreena sat facing each other, working on their fifth beer. Since it is a Sunday night, the place is almost empty.

Loreena said, "How can you marry that jerk? And how can you ever justify doing it for 7 goats?"

"Well," said Loolie, "technically, Dad gets the goats and I get the shaft. I do not, at this point, know how to get out of it. I got no money to run and no one to kill the bastard."

Loreena thinks awhile and says, "I’ll be glad to kill him. You are my friend and I will kill him for you."

"Right," says Loolie, "you kill him and all my troubles are mostly over."

Loreena looks long and hard at Loolie, "Yes, that’s what I said, and I mean what I say."

"We’ll never get away with this." Loolie has worry on her face. "It would have to be suicide, an accident, or natural causes."

"Right, natural causes" Loreena explains, "He has a condition that can be aggravated and it would kill him."

Loreena goes on to explain through the next 4 beers that she has known of Luthor’s ‘condition’ since childhood and how his father always warned his mom not to give him certain foods as they would trigger a fatal reaction.

"Let’s go for it", Loolie is laughing now, "Let’s kill the bastard!"

"Hello Johnson, this is Loolie. Yeah … forget about it, it’s ok. Look I find I need more money so when can I drop by again?"

"Why, anytime Loolie, the sooner the better. Do you want the same deal?"

"Actually Johnson I was thinking maybe we can go a little further if the money is right."

"I will make the money right, Loolie. I am very fond of you. How about $500 for you and me nekkid in the king size bed?"

Loolie was floored. She wasn’t expecting that much, not in a million years. After several seconds she speaks. "OK Johnson, five hundred it is and I’ll see you just after dark."

"That will be fine Loolie. I will take extra Viagra just for the occasion."

Loolie decides to spend the rest of her day watching TV and eating a box of cookies. Avon never paid this good and after tonight she will have get away money if things go wrong.

Loreena was out shopping for just the right ingredients to bump off Luthor, and her cousin in the Bayou country will put her up til the heat is off, that was for sure. They had been through some things together and she could be trusted all the way.

It’s about one hour to sundown so Loolie decides to get dressed. She is gonna work the old guy up so he won’t last more than 5 minutes with her. Not bad money, one hundred dollars a minute. That makes her smile.

Loolie puts on her little black dress, her black heels, grabs her purse and goes out the door. It is a 5 minute walk to Johnson’s and she is being careful to not be seen. Down to the corner, half way down the block and she is there. She walks up the sidewalk and he is expecting her and opens the door.

"Hi Loolie, good to see you, have a cocktail." And he hands her a glass of whiskey.

"Good evening Mr. Johnson. Do you have the money?" She drains half the glass.

"Yes my dear, it is in the usual place." She glances at the wad of bills on the high boy by the door.

"Good, I guess we can get started then."

A lot of gasping and groaning is going on. Loolie wonders if the old guy is gonna make it. Then he goes limp and collapses on her.

"Mister Johnson, you OK?"

"Mister Johnson?"

"Oh shit!"

Loolie wiggles out from under and looks down at Johnson. Then she feels for a pulse and listens for breathing. Nothing.

Getting dressed she is in a panic but tries to force herself to be calm. What to do, what to do.

‘Ok’, she thinks, ‘he’s naked and dead, what if he drowned in the tub?’

‘I can put him in cold water and they won’t be able to tell how long he was dead.’ She saw that on TV awhile back.

Loolie drags Johnson to the bathroom and fills the tub with cold water. Struggling, she manages to put Johnson in the tub and push his head under.

Loolie looks around the house and discovers $200 more in Johnson’s wallet. ‘He won’t need this’, she thinks. Next she finds another $1,000 in his jewelry box. She gathers up her $500 from the high boy, grabs her purse and shoes and exits out the back door.

Loolie now must make her way home in the dark, the long way, all the way up Willis creek to Route 156, across Maynard’s corn field and into her own back yard. Finally safe at home she collapses on the couch with muddy shoes in her hand and a stunned look on her face. It is time to get some sleep while she can and get the hell out of town in the morning. Johnson’s death was technically not her fault, but she would still get blamed and go to trial. Her name would be dragged through the mud no matter how it came down.

She awakens at about 10 AM, much later than planned. She jumps up and hurries about stuffing clothes into shopping bags, preparing to rush out of town. She is anxious to get to the Bayou country where she can breathe.

She is still worn out from the strain of the evening before as she leaves the trailer and walks in tennis shoes to the Greyhound stop at the Quik Stop Food Mart and Gas. Her belongings in shopping bags, she feels quite ridiculous until she remembers the $1,700 in her purse.

Loolie is right on time. The bus is coming down the road and she flags it down. She collapses in an empty seat and stares out the window as the scenery goes by but sees none of it.

Back at the trailer park the cops are just arriving to check out the report by the paperboy that old man Johnson seemed to be dead in his tub. The paperboy was a friend of the old man and as such was invited to come in whenever he wanted to get water or just take a break from his route.

Things looked at first like an accident, but then they noticed he was still wearing socks. Upon looking around they found the rumpled bed and several hair pins. Then there was the Avon order book on the couch, which must have slid out of Loolie’s purse in her haste to depart. Loolies name and address were on the cover.

Luthor drove up to Loolie’s trailer just in time to see the cops banging on her door.

After explaining who he is and what he is doing there, the cops tell him that Loolie is wanted for questioning in the sexual slaying of old man Johnson. The cops give him a business card, get in their car and leave.

This hit Luthor like a ton of bricks. He became woozy and slouched down on the seat of his pickup. His darlin’ Loolie could be a sex predator? He didn’t think she even liked sex. Hell she was always telling him to get the hell away from her unless she had a few poppers in her.

Then he begins to get mad. He gets very mad. He slams his fist into the hood of the pickup and vows to kill the woman who cheated on him with that old man.

The phone inside the trailer is ringing so Luthor lets himself in and lifts the phone off it’s hook. It is Loreena on the phone. She asks Luthor where Loo is and Luthor tells her the story about Loolie being wanted for questioning in the sexual slaying of old man Johnson.

Loreena is quiet for a minute then says, "Stay put, I’m coming over."

Loreena is one smart cookie. She knows Luthor will kill Loolie if he sees her again. She has no idea where Loolie is, but she knows she has to do something to protect her precious Loo.

Arriving at the trailer, Loreena says to Luthor, "You know Luthor, I have seen how you sometimes look at me, and since we are almost kin I never would let myself think about you. But, now you might be getting married and I will never have the chance. Luthor, I want you to take me now, once and for all."

Luthor is dumbfounded. All his life he had lusted after Loreena and her well rounded body. She teased him as a kid and he knew that one day he would nail her and this was it.

They move into the bedroom and soon the murder of old man Johnson is forgotten.

The next day at the Coroners office, Dr. Mason is filling out his report on the autopsy of old man Johnson. It seems he had not drowned or been murdered at all. It seems old man Johnson had a weak heart and took too many Viagras. Cause of death; Accidental, self induced. No charges would be filed.

Loolie has arrived at her cousin’s swamp shack in the Bayou country. She feels good to be away from Luthor, old man Johnson, Loreena, all of it. There is no phone here, no television, not even a radio. These people still use kerosene lanterns, for Christ’s sake. But it surely is peaceful and far from her troubles. She wonders how long it will take to go stark raving mad.

Three days pass (which seemed like a week) and Loolie’s cousin brings her a post card from Loreena. It says, in part, ‘All is well, Luthor knows about you and Johnson. But I took care of that, he will never mention it."

Loolie does not know exactly what that means, but she trusts Loreena and gladly makes plans to return to the ‘scene of the crime’. How these people live in this God Forsaken place is beyond her comprehension.

What Loolie does not know is that Loreena has had sex with Luthor, then blackmailed him saying she would tell Loolie all about it if he ever questions her about Johnson. Luthor knows when he is bested and agrees to Loreena’s demand.

Back home at the trailer again, Loolie kicks off her shoes and turns on the shower. No one knew she was coming back and no one is here to greet her with too many questions. She takes a long hot shower while the coffee brews and her cares are washed down the drain with the grime of the road.

Hours later as night falls and Loolie relaxes in front of the TV, Luthor and Loreena arrive. Stepping into the trailer, Luthor says, "Honey, I know ya had a rough time up to now, but all is well that ends well and tomorrow we are getting married, right?"

Loolie is amazed. There are no questions, no accusations, nothing but a new proposal of marriage. Loreena’s blackmail was working like a charm.

"Right. Tomorrow we get married." ‘What the hell’, she thinks, ‘all is well that ends well and I am just tired of fighting.’

The next day at the Justice of the Peace office on Mulberry Lane, Luthor and Loolie are made man and wife. Loreena is there along with about 6 other relatives, to wish them well.

As the bride and groom are getting in the pickup to head for Clemson Falls and a honeymoon of sorts, cousin Ophelia asks Loolie, "Ain’t that good news about Loreena?"

"What good news would that be?" says Loolie.

"Why, ain’t you heard? Old man Johnson left Loreena $574,000 cuz they was lovers for over 8 years."